1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds
are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should
be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy
and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good
indications that your bread has turned into a
pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
2. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that
have become the size or shape of a softball should be
disposed of. Carefully.
3. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a
clove hitch in is not fresh.
4. CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of
thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two
years or longer beyond the expiration date.
5. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of
its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone
bad.
6. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when
it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like
regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but
spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than
it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you
think it is bleu cheese but you realize you've never
purchased that kind.
7. EGGS: When something starts pecking
its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its
prime.
8. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty
containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick,
but it only works if you live with someone or have a
maid.
9. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a
marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly
good food so that you'll spend more on groceries.
Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your
kitchen.
10. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it
wiggles.
11. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have
become an integral part of the defrosting problem in
your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a
kitchen knife.
12. GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag
is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked
for yourself last night).
13. LETTUCE: Iceberg lettuce is spoiled
when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable
crisper without sandpaper. Romaine lettuce is
spoiled when it turns liquid.
14. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently
ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
15. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator
door causes all stray animals within a three-block
radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.
16. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have
roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
17. RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder
than your teeth.
18. SALT: It never spoils.
19. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well
beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the
Tupperware along with the food. Generally
speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you
open them.
20. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food
cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in or near your
refrigerator to gauge this.